“Listen to this!” I said to Ben.
“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn’t quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”
“Did you write that?,” he asked.
“No, a writer called Sylvia Plath did.”
“Oh! It sounds just like something you’d write.”
“I know,” I said, looking and sounding a little depressed.
If you know, then you know. If you don’t, it’s likely you never will. To be interested in hundreds of different things, to see a different life unfolding in your mind’s eye every day and sometimes every hour, to finally think you’ve decided only for the decision to come crumbling down minutes later, to feel time passing, to feel your life passing as you continue to agonise over what to do and which path to take, to feel the very real and glorious potential bursting from within yourself but to see it go unrealised because of this deep and painful struggle to commit – I truly wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
Someone recently described this very same experience to me in their own life and then reflected to me that I’d done such a good job sticking with my writing and poetry. Ohhhhhhhh, ha ha. It’s amazing how something can appear to others when the internal reality feels very different.
The draw to write is very strong in me (although I’ve gone through many moments of ebb with this too) and so I’ve been able to keep it up in some form for a long time. (I started writing on the internet in 2012.) But believe me when I tell you that most of my adult life has, on the inside at least, been defined by exactly this experience that Syvlia Plath describes in her book The Bell Jar.
The typical advice to decide on and do one thing simply does not work for some people. In fact, it’s advice that can make us feel defective as we try and fail again and again to decide and commit. We can see that it makes sense. We can see that it works. And we really wish we could do as others do. And yet…we can’t. No one in their right mind would continue to put themselves through this experience if they could simply stop.
That said, here are a few things that help me (somewhat) as I continue to navigate the challenges of being pulled in multiple directions.
First, it feels important to acknowledge that this is not a defect or something that needs fixing. It’s challenging and sometimes painful, but not more painful than telling yourself that there’s something wrong with you and that you need to somehow, against every natural instinct in you, become like ‘everyone else’.
Secondly, even though the number of things I’m interested in and become interested in hasn’t diminished the older I get, it has become somewhat easier to distinguish between something I want to do as ‘my work’, something I just want to do in my life, and something that I actually don’t want to do at all. It hasn’t become easy, but it has become easier (and faster).
In just the last few months I’ve thought about training as a herbalist, starting a plant/flower/gardening related business, cooking community meals, training as a Foot Health Practitioner and ditching the internet all together to help Ben full time in his business whilst keeping the house and garden.
Each new idea is very compelling to begin with. But as I sit with each one and play the scenario out in my mind, I inevitably get to the part about the ways in which that business could make money. And I realise that I’m not all that interested in doing any of those things. This is especially true when I take into account everything I now know about myself, my values, my preference for lots of quiet and alone time etc.
And so I always come back around to writing, which for me is this magical thing that allows me to incorporate so much of who I am and what I’m interested in. For instance, I don’t need to become a professional flower farmer to express my developing obsession with flowers. It’s more than enough to learn to grow them in our garden and write a poem that includes a flower.
Thirdly, I try to remain rooted in the idea that my work life is a series of mini projects, rather than one long static ‘thing’.
Fourthly, it’s good to consider the possibility that you might be like the extra mature cheddar currently sitting in our fridge – you get better with age. The older I get, the more I can feel the threads of my life coming together into something more cohesive. It’s as if I’ve needed the whole first half of my life to explore and gather information and the second half of my life is where I get to weave something beautiful with those threads. That’s what I’m excited about in this season of my life.
We’re very conditioned to believe that our lives are supposed to be linear stories of upward progression, but that is only one possible trajectory for a life. There are many other possible trajectories, including the one where you have multiple careers, or the one where you feel like a failure for your entire first act, only to realise it was all preparation for what was to come.
And finally, just really simple stuff like getting out for a walk can truly help. When I’m in a thought loop and feeling overwhelmed by all the new figs I can see on the tree, all the energy is stuck and I can easily become overwhelmed and think I’m doomed. Often, fresh air and movement is enough to open up my perspective, even if it’s just a tiny bit.
I don’t expect my fig tree to stop growing any time soon. Or indeed ever. It’s good to acknowledge this. To accept this is as part of who I am so I can not only bring more self love and compassion to the experience when it feels particularly frustrating but also recognise that there is beauty in being like the honey bee.
These are just a few of my current thoughts. Do you see yourself in the quote from The Bell Jar? How do you navigate this? Pleeeease share your experience and perspective in the comments below. I know this will be helpful to so many others who read this.
Love and courage,
Leah
Paula Vital
I love this one, Leah! What is working for me lately when I get caught up in one of these “what should I be” loops is to come back to the exact thing I am doing in the moment. What if this is enough? Whether it is writing, working, brushing my teeth, being with another person, doing dishes… doing it completely with love in my heart and then doing the next thing seems to be enough to build a beautiful life of service and joy.
Leah Cox
Hello Paula! So happy you enjoyed this. Ahhh, yes, this this this is truly a beautiful practice. Like you say, when you’re in a loop, to take a deep breathe and just be where you are is pretty miraculous. It is so tempting for me to keep looping 🙂 Happy New Year dear Paula…I love that you’re still here with me, thank you! 🙂
Mallory
I TOTALLY resonate with this as well! I know I have a calling to start a coaching/counseling business but it’s so overwhelming to start. & I also see another branch of starting a Photography business. I need to make moves, but more than ever i’m meditating and connecting with my true self to try and get more answers/signs! I also adore flowers and was lucky enough to be taken in by a very talented floral designer, but I realized it wasn’t for me, like you I can enjoy the random flowers around me in nature and take my photos of them! ❤️
Leah Cox
Ah, I love how this is speaking to so many people – it’s really good to know! I totally understand the ‘it’s so overwhelming to start’ feeling and seeing different branches and then not feeling quite sure how things can/could fit together, or whether they should. Listening inwards and hearing your own heart and thoughts is always wise, in my opinion. And how wonderful that you were able to spend some time working with a talented floral designer, even if that turned out not to be for you. It’s good to have all these experiences and add it all to the ‘information about self’ folder. Good luck Mallory! ❤️
Carmien
Leah, this is very much me.
I won’t tell you exactly how many jobs I’ve started and quit, but I counted the other day, and it’s above 25. I kept trying at things I was interested in and quickly realized many (baking, painting, dancing) were meant to be a hobby … or perhaps (such as framing pictures, nannying, dog training) just something I respected from a distance.
Anyway, like you, I think I’m getting a teeny better at sorting it all, but I joke that if I won the lottery, I’d hire private tutors for all the subjects I’m interested in (or at least the top 5-10 haha). I do still struggle with what will be my capital C career, but it feels like I’m headed in the right direction, or at least not the wrong one.
And I’m glad you’ve kept up writing 🙂
Leah Cox
Hello Carmien 🙂 I keep joking that we should have a ‘how many jobs’ competition 🙂 Also, how amazing would it be to have private tutors in your top 5-10 interests!! Yes, I really like what you said about quickly realising that some things are hobbies and others things to respect from a distance. I guess we are people who work, at least partly, by process of elimination. And, somewhere along the way, in some capacity, everything comes in handy!
Your comment also made me recall this quote from the Planet Sark website (Boppa said, “Do everything you can think of doing so you know what you don’t want to do for the rest of your life.” So I had 250 jobs from ages 14-26. Most lasted just a few hours, I was fired from the others and found myself to be mostly unemployable.
I remember how much I smiled when I read that.
So good to hear from you always Carmien. I don’t know you well, but from our short time together I always think of you as a talented, creative, kind and wise human. xx
PersephoneRocks
I spent years trying to find that ‘one’ thing that was my purpose in life, until I realised, somewhere in my mid to late 40s, that my ‘purpose’ in life was to try lots of different things, so that’s what I did, one by one, just listening to my heart to see what felt right for me at that point in time and trusting that. Since that time I’ve retrained as a Nutritional Therapist, been a university lecturer (on a Nutritional Science degree), spent 3 years with the WWOOF organisation, retrained in Horticulture and for the last 2.5 years worked as an Estate Gardener within an 18th century English Landscape garden and now specialising as a Kitchen Gardener / Market Gardener. I’m now 57 years old and I’ve just embarked on a 4 year part-time programme to become a Homeopath.
And the beauty of it all is, the figs just keep on growing… 🙂
Leah Cox
Wow, THANK YOU for sharing your experience. I know this is going to be really encouraging and/or validating to many people. Also, I was just saying to Ben the other week that I would love to manage a kitchen garden for an old estate! Well, for now I have my hands full with our little garden but…who knows what the future will bring. What beautiful, amazing, varied experiences you’ve had, with so many more to come. Really enjoyed reading this…thank you 🙂
Dawn Walker
This was such an excellent and pertinent read, Leah you have SUCH an incredible talent with your writing – so perceptive, and so comforting at the same time. Thank you xxxxx
Leah Cox
So happy to know this struck a chord with you too, Dawn! And THANK YOU – I appreciate your kind words very, very much. xxxxx
Geoff
That’s good. The bit that really snagged was choosing one means losing the rest.
That says it all in just a few words.
Even if I had sufficient talent i severely doubt I could ever be a professional musician,or songwriter etc.
I have frequently found during my own modest attempts at putting a track together that I encounter the same dilemma;
Namely to choose is to reject!
I may sometimes get too many ideas for a particular section, all coming along at once, and they have some level of merit.
But how can I possibly say what stays and what gets banished, probably for ever?
Of course it doesn’t matter, only a few people ever get to hear it.
Except it does matter, to the point I almost want to scream, it actually feels cruel to throw out something that has really earned its place, and who am I to judge anyway?!
I don’t know how anyone does this for a living, but I have found that with this or anything else angst -producing there is only one sensible solution;
Walk away for a bit, maybe for days, trust something else to guide you along and give you a natural feeling of preference.
To even drop something can feel almost impossible,if you really care about it, but I have found given enough time and other alternative duties that I will get a calmer clearer picture of what is the best way forward.
That’s all I can ask for,I know if I don’t remove myself from the quandary at some point then I may find myself ensconced in a psychiatric ward, and I don’t want to go there till I’m good and ready.
Wherever your heart guides you Leah it would be unthinkable if you ever stopped writing, that you were born to do.
Love and peace
Geoff
Leah Cox
Happy New Year, Geoff! Reading your comment felt much like reading the Sylvia Plath quote because it is so close to my own experience. I also very much relate to the experience of your ‘only sensible solution’. It can be hard to tear yourself away but just ‘getting on with other stuff’ for a while definitely helps create some calm and clarity. Thank you Geoff for sharing all this. It is always amazing to me to know there are so many others with such similar life experiences.
Geoff
Yeah,I think creative types maybe especially have these experiences but just about anyone can relate to your post.
I occasionally do cryptic crosswords,at some point I’ll get hopelessly stuck on a clue and admit defeat.
A day later I’ll have another look and instantly know the answer, I’ll bet many others have had a similar thing.
You get completely out of the way and something unseen solves it for you.
I still find that rather marvellous!
Leah Cox
Oh yes, it’s amazing when that happens! Marvellous is such a brilliant word – feels so good to say out loud 🙂
R x
Thank you for this. I felt comforted to know others feel this way. I do identify with the honey bee and that all of the flowers iv visited has not been a waste of time and indeed its growing who i am and preparing for who i will. Lots of inspiration, excitement and hope. R x
Leah Cox
So glad to know this was comforting to read and that you too feel like all the flowers you’ve visited are not a waste of time and that it’s all growing who you are and preparing you for who you will be. Happy New Year! xx