In two days, Ben will leave for his parents’. In a little over two weeks, I will leave for mine. For many reasons, our paths diverge for now.
As I’m sure you can imagine, there is a whole mixture of emotions.
Perhaps because of this pending change, I haven’t felt very inspired to write, which always makes me a little anxious because it is my favourite thing of all the things I do and sometimes I worry that the ability to write anything might just disappear.
Instead I’ve been filling my time with knitting ear warmers (for sale below), baking teacakes (Ben’s favourite), and taking care of practical matters related to moving out of the flat (though the sale is still not completed).
My mum taught me to knit when I was young and we grew up helping her bake in the kitchen and now with this growing longing for a simpler life with more time spent doing things with my hands, I feel so grateful that I was able to learn the seed of these crafts when I was younger.
When I return to my parents’ I hope to start playing the piano again, though I’ve not played probably since I was a young teenager and was never very advanced. My mum is a good player and my sister too, since she was always better than I was at sticking with those sorts of things.
I wonder now whether it wasn’t the thing itself I grew bored with, but rather the rigidity of scheduled lessons with teachers. I recognise how valuable lessons can be but when I look at the big picture of my life so far, I see how much I’ve rebelled against any sort of externally enforced schedule and for better or worse, often prefer to learn things on my own.
I’m enjoying the dark months more than I ever have before. The trees in the cemetery are bare now and as I walk there in the fading light of the late afternoon, each skeletal branch becomes a bony witch’s hand, whispering to me of mystery and magic and drawing me into other worlds.
Out here, with the witches and the crows and the great moon spirit there is space for the sadness I feel moving in my heart and I feel too the small, bright flame of future possibility stirring in my belly.
Love and courage,
P.S. The two ear warmers I knitted are for sale! The first one below is a beautiful deep pink/berry colour (a bit darker than in the photo) and is made with a gloriously warm yarn with a 60% merino wool, 30% masham wool and 10% mohair mix). This one is a snug (but not tight) fit for my head which is approx. 52cm in circumference. £30 + postage. [NOW SOLD]
The second one below is made using a mix of two yarns (a cream and beige Rowan 100% British yarn and a pink yarn of unknown origin I found in my knitting box!). I’ve left this one unfinished so I can knit it to your desired size. £30 + postage. [NOW SOLD]
I only have these two for sale so if you’d like one of them, please email me at email@example.com.
May they bring joy and warmth to your ears for years to come.
I am so sorry to hear about your parting with Ben, Leah.
Wishing you so much strength and compassion in the next steps of your journey.
Lots of love,
Thank you so much Paula. I am infinitely happy that we were able to meet ‘in person’ for the autumn retreat back in October. I always knew you were wonderful from our email exchanges, but now when I see your name, I also see your big, beautiful, radiant smile, hear your joyous laugh and feel your vibrant spirit. Sending lots of love to you too.
Catriona Blair Noble
Oh Leah, I’m always so touched by all that you share and write. These ear warmers are gorgeous! And I got excited to spy the angel cards on your table – they were created in Findhorn, here in the North East of Scotland where I was born and raised! They’ve been a constant in my life and they always have a place on my alter. I’ve experienced amazing magic with them, too. Last month my partner and I were drawing cards together. She chose a 3 card spread and I looked at them and instantly said out loud "I want that!", feeling it so strongly in my heart. Then with eyes closed I shuffled them well, and one by one I chose the exact same 3 cards in the exact same order. My little heart fluttered at the feeling of being truly heard and receiving the lesson that I can have those things I want with ease when I ask for them. Wishing you such magic, Leah, and that the next moves for you happen with grace, peace and ease. Much love x
Hello Catriona! Thank you so much for your kind and lovely words. I don’t think I knew the angel cards were created in Findhorn, or at least I’d forgotten if I did. I love hearing about your magical experience with them, choosing the same cards in the same order. I have a friend who has recently had similar experiences with a different set of cards – so beautiful and amazing. I hope whatever you saw in those three cards come to you as you wish. So nice to see familiar names here in the comments – makes me feel very lucky that you’ve stuck around for so long. Lots of love xx
Happy to read about your journey, as usual. I LOVE the colors of the second headband (drat I missed being able to purchase it!)
I hope you enjoy your time with the family, and wish you and Ben happy trails / coming togethers in the future.
Piano is one of my favorite things. Creating music in general – and I can relate with the dislike of the rigidity of lessons! It was one of the hardest things I had to do as I was learning piano, and I rebelled against it more than once!
Sending Love –
Jesssssssssica! So lovely to read your words as always. I don’t think I’ll have enough of those colours left to do a second one, otherwise I could have made you one.
I was thinking of you and all the times I’ve been lucky enough to hear you play and sing for us ‘live’ over zoom. I can’t imagine ever being proficient enough to play like you do but who knows. And it’s good to know that even the pros rebelled against the lessons!
Thank you so much for the good wishes for Ben and I. Hoping everything is well with you. Sending lots of love.