Today marks day fifteen since I moved into my new home and three weeks since I last wrote to you. I don’t know if you’ve missed me but I have certainly missed you and I can’t tell you what a relief it is to finally be sitting down to write this. When I’m not writing and sharing it feels as though life has gone skew-whiff and I have a constant gnawing sensation in my chest. I suppose that’s how I know I belong to writing.
At the same time, it felt impossible to write to you these past weeks. Partly because it has been a whirlwind of activity but mostly because whilst my body had arrived in this new place, the rest of whatever makes up my sense of self definitely hadn’t. The result was an empty feeling, like my body was just a shell with no essence of ‘Leah’ left in it. Today is the first day I have felt myself coming back to myself.
There are already a thousand stories I want to share with you about the past two weeks but I will do my best to focus on just one.
But first I must tell you a little about the house I’m in, which isn’t the house I expected to be in. I was in the process of buying a little house with a little garden. Meanwhile, the woman who owned it was also selling another house, two doors down, to someone else. This other one had a much bigger garden and was an end of terrace. One day, the owner of the two houses called me and told me that the person who was buying the other one had pulled out and she offered the house to me because she knew that I really wanted a bigger garden.
So now I am in this other house and it’s impossible to say how fortunate I feel because this house is everything I wanted and some days it’s hard to believe that it’s really true.
The garden is big enough for everything I imagined – growing plenty of vegetables, a greenhouse, chickens perhaps, plenty of plants and flowers for the insects and a small pond as I have already made the acquaintance of four delightful toads!
Not only that, but the tenants who lived here before left behind three compost bins, blueberry bushes, blackcurrant and redcurrant bushes, strawberries, thyme, rosemary and an abundance of mint.
Now that I have this garden to take care of, I realise I don’t have much clue at all about what to do! So for now I am doing very little and just taking my time to watch. The garden, and this whole tiny hamlet, is alive with wildlife and every time I walk a path through it I feel like a terrible monstrosity as I must be crushing things with every step!
I have been getting very close to everything in the garden. Poking my face right up close to the flowers to watch the bees and other insects at work. What I have noticed is that when I get really close to something and watch very quietly, I almost always well up with tears.
I know this feeling, so I don’t find it strange. I realised a few years ago that when you get physically close to someone or something and if you are able to just be there and observe in stillness and silence, then you will fall in love. Not romantic love, but the love that is the stuff the universe is made up of.
When you are far away from insects, you might see them flitting about but they are just insects. But when you are very close up to a bee or a fly or a wasp, then you can’t help but fall in love. And when you fall in love in that way, you’re not falling in love with the bee or the fly or the wasp, but with the entire world. Because when you’re that close to something, you realise that thing is the entire world. In every teeny, tiny, little thing, you will find the entire world if you are still and quiet enough. And you will know that the whole world is also in you.
That’s enough to make anyone cry, isn’t it?
Thank you for sharing your thoughts again. Sending you much love, dear Leah
Thank you as always, dear Indira! Love to you as well. Thinking of you and hoping you’re staying safe and well.
Congratulations on your new abode Leah, I’m already pretty envious of your fab sounding garden.
It’s great to own your own piece of outside , however small or large.
I totally get your thoughts on observing the little things in life, that’s where the real beauty can be found.
For me it’s a baby’s smile, the whole universe is in that one simple thing.
Because that baby is every baby, and the universe is really saying, here I am, and this is who I am.
And there’s nothing else to think about.
Blessings.
Thank you Geoff! Yes, I’ve been very fortunate and wish that everyone who wanted it could have their own patch of land. Whilst I’m obviously very happy for myself, it also feels unjust how difficult it is for so many to have outdoor space and access to nature. You are so right about a baby’s smile. Absolute purity! Thank you for your lovely comment. Blessings to you too.
What a beautiful read, as always! Very pertinent for me as I’m hopefully moving out of London in a few weeks, down to the south coast, so I’ll be going through some of what you described – waiting for myself to fully ‘arrive’. I will also be getting much closer to nature, on a more regular basis, and I simply cannot wait! So pleased how this all turned out for you darling 🙂
Oh wow, this is exciting news Dawn! It will be so lovely to be near the coast and to be closer to nature. I think a lot of us are wanting more of that after the past year + of confinement. I hope your move down there goes smoothly and that you feel settled and ‘fully there’ soon enough. It’s been a strange feeling for me. Sending you lots of love xx
Hi Leah,
It’s so wonderful to hear from you again. Wondered where my emails disappeared to from you. Always a beautiful read!
It’s incredible how while you wanted one thing, you were able to get a "better" one plus you never thought it. Life’s funny and quite the magician, making things happen.
I draw so much away about love and nature especially the peace from its beauty from your writing. Just yesterday I missed the beach.
I don’t want to write too long haha, but thank you for your letter. This was so refreshing to read first thing in the morning.
Great inspiration.
Ah, thank you Madawa! It’s nice to know you’re happy I’m back. Yes, definitely more than a little divine timing on the situation with the house. I couldn’t have asked for more. I love the beach too – such a relaxing, mesmerising place to spend time. Thank you for reading. Lots of love to you xx
Yes, you’ve been missed! Wow, your new new (yes double new intended!) sounds amazing… big garden, complete with berries, herbs, compost buckets, bees, wasps and toads! Grateful "you belong to writing" and for this latest post. Much love to you Leah Xxx
Ah, thank you Christine! Always nice to know you’ve been missed 🙂 Yes, it’s a little haven here and I can’t wait to get to know it better. I have so much to learn! Hoping all well with you as well. Sending lots of love xx