All I have ever wanted to do is share the way I see and feel the world.
Yet there’s a cycle I go through repetitively. In one part of the cycle I start thinking that it can’t be this simple. That it’s not valid or allowed to make my life out of simply expressing what is in my heart.
In this phase of the cycle I spiral deeper and deeper into confusion as I frantically search for something to offer that I feel would be more worthy, less selfish, and a more ‘proper’ contribution to our aching world.
After a period of being in this spiral, in which everything in life gets heavier and more difficult, something finally cracks and I break free into a moment of clarity. And that moment of clarity is always the same:
Just share the way you see and feel the world. Just write. Just express.
And when that moment of clarity comes, the relief is huge and there are almost always tears. This wave of emotional release and relaxation tells me the simple truth that it’s not only ok to be called to what I’m called to but that it’s truly what I’m made for and that I need to trust it.
And so I trust it for a little while and all is well. And then the cycle begins again.
But the truth I return to remains the same. All I have ever wanted is to share the way I see and feel the world. All I have ever wanted is to write and express what is in my heart.
It doesn’t matter how many other good, beautiful, satisfying or fulfilling things there are in my life; without this, something inside me withers and dies. Without that inward soul connection and subsequent outward expression, nothing else feels right.
Highly sensitive, deep-thinking, big-hearted people are really good at taking the way they naturally are and making it wrong. We often think that almost everything about us is something to work with, improve or fix.
We don’t trust ourselves. We don’t trust the way we naturally are. We don’t trust what we are naturally called to. And what we are really saying when we don’t trust those things is that we don’t believe that what is inside us could be naturally good or trustworthy.
Our starting point is believing that we are inherently bad, wrong, undeserving and untrustworthy and that we need to be cleansed, improved and fixed. We need to be purified. In fact, we need to be someone else!
What a horrible way to live! To be living from an underlying belief that everything that is natural to you and about you isn’t ok. To believe that nothing you think, feel, believe or are called to can be trusted.
You don’t need purifying. You need to trust that it’s ok to be you. Not just ok, but valid and beautiful and needed. What are you not trusting about yourself right now? And what would change if you decided to make that thing right instead of wrong?
I’m so grateful that you do what you do Leah. It’s been a lifesaver to me. I envy you being able to write your thoughts as eloquently as you do, help people and do what you love. I hope I find what it is I’m meant to do soon! I also laughed at your ppps š keep warm. Loads of love xxx
Thank you so, so much Sarah. Notes likes this mean so much to me. I hope you can find something you love and feels purposeful to you too. Though I know how hard, complicated and stressful that can feel at times – especially given there are so many different opinions on the subject of purpose. As ever, I feel trusting yourself is so important. Hee hee, the fire is doing us a good job of keeping us snug in the living room and hot water bottles continue to be my bosom friends š
Warm hugs back to you, Leah. Thank you for your insights.
Bonnie
Oh, thank you Bonnie. Very gratefully received! Sending love and hoping you are well over there. xx
Yes! Exactly! During a time of angst about what I was doing and whether it was the “right” thing to be doing or whether I needed to struggle to do something more “worthy,” it occurred to me that if I were a god creating human beings who I hoped would perform certain necessary functions in the world, I would make each individual’s function something that was delightful and even obsessive for them…something they would love doing and sharing with others. So when I remember that thought, I give up the angst, smile and do what I love and what is delightful for me.
Oh, this is gorgeously put! I love this perspective CJ – thank you so much for sharing. It gives even more strength to the idea that we each need to trust what is natural and delightful to us. Thank you for such a glorious comment!
Love the way you see and feel the world Leah. I always enjoy reading your poems and emails. There are so many distractions that seem to pull me away from where I want to be. I find that your writing always stops me in my tracks and gets me back on course as it were.
You even gave me a good laugh today with your PPPS!
THANK YOU Nigel! Yes! So, so, so many distractions! All day long it seems there are distractions pulling at our sleeves. I’m glad I can provide a little moment of reflection to return you to your true course. Ha ha, it really is freezing in the bathroom!