My GP says that my heart rate is consistently too high. Not my blood pressure, which is fine, but my heart rate. I’ve known that something has been not quite right for a while and it’s good, though also scary, to have it confirmed and validated. He has started me on a low dose of a beta blocker to slow my heart rate so that my heart does not have to work so hard.
There are lots of things I’d like to share with you about what has been going on in my life lately but for now, the puzzle pieces, and how they fit together, are not perfectly clear. I’m working with my GP, who is the most incredible GP I’ve ever had, to piece things together bit by bit.
In the last six weeks, since I went to my new GP for the first time since moving here, I’ve met with him three times and I’ll see him again later this week. All these meetings have been at his request. It’s been so long since I met a GP who I felt truly cared about my wellbeing that I’m overwhelmed with gratitude each time I think about it.
So, life is not at its easiest right now. And yet I’m not special. Every moment of every day, either we ourselves or someone we know is experiencing some form of and some level of pain, whether that be emotional, physical, psychological or spiritual.
A neighbour of mine recently passed away. Another, who I have spoken about before, is in ill health and feels that he will not be here much longer. Another neighbour recently had to give CPR to a young teenage boy knocked off his bike by a car. The boy died. A close friend’s father has just passed from cancer.
If we open our eyes, we realise that we are never far from pain. To be alive in human form is to experience the deepest of tragedies. It is also to experience the deepest beauty and greatest joy.
Last night I lay in bed contemplating death. Tears began to roll down my cheeks as I realised that the regret I would have if I were to die right now, would be that I feel I have not given enough of my love away. I have not expressed enough of the love I feel in my heart.
I have doubted myself so much and so often that I have often held back from expressing what I truly feel, in the way that I feel it. This is the opposite of life’s intention. It is the opposite of God’s intention. God’s intention for all of us it to know that we are love and to express that love in the ways we are most drawn.
So from me to you today, please feel the love in my heart radiating out to yours. And do not be afraid, as I have been afraid, of giving this love away. Do not be afraid to be yourself and to express the love that you feel in the ways it wants to be expressed. Goodness knows we need more love in the world.
Love and courage,